Just because we don’t speak on Facebook messenger. Just because I haven’t seen you in more than 6 years, doesn’t mean I am not loyal to you. And it doesn’t mean you’re not still my best friend. I think of you in the books I read, the places I visit that remind me of you, the dreams I have of memories past, and in the smiles of strangers that crinkle in the same way as yours does. I think of you in all my successes. I can feel your support and your pride even if you are a million miles away without a clue in the world.
I cannot carry my friends with me on my adventures. It’s one of the hardest realities I’ve had to come to terms with in this location-unspecific life I’ve pursued. But one of the most beautiful outcomes is that I’ve learnt that friendship is not defined the way I once thought. It is not defined by the dinners you have out, the photos online of you together. It’s defined by what you carry in your heart. It is defined by that never-ending squeeze when you meet again that says, I have loved you, I still love you and I will always love you, regardless of where you are in the world and what you’re doing.
Those friends don’t love you any less as time passes. When you are reunited, they don’t ask you indirectly who are you now? by endless questioning of what you do and the logistics of your life. They look into your eyes and know immediately of all your adventures through the happiness they find there. They take refuge in the joy of friendship coming together in time and space, and will never take that small miracle for granted. They don’t ask when will I see you again? with their calendars poised, but instead give you gifts for the road, and wish you courage on your journey without the fear of goodbye.
The truth is, we have this common understanding that friendship is something that needs to be worked on. That needs to be kept up as a commitment to one another. But real friendship will sweep you up and blow you over with no work at all. Real friendship is the one that you cannot hide from, that appears again and again when you didn’t ask for it, that finds you in the dark times. The one that you never planned.
Because you cannot hold on to friendship. You cannot own it in the same way we try and control everything else around us. It exists only in the present moment. The here and now, and then it’s gone. You will never know if it will exist again. It’s a leap of faith, moment to moment. If we use our time and energy maintaining and updating our complex network of acquaintances worldwide online, we will miss the quiet man sat next to us in a cafe, crying out for that human connection. Calling out for a friend. And it might just end up being the most beautiful friendship we will ever find.
