I looked down at the small square plaque, beautifully engraved, and cursed myself for not bringing any flowers. “Blue Skies Forever” it read. The clouds had closed in and it was a miserable, grey day. I couldn’t help but notice the irony.
I’d driven 45 minutes into the middle of nowhere, down country lanes which in hindsight were quite possibly footpaths, and finally walked 10 minutes over a heath to find this little secluded beach in a far corner of West Wales. If Harry had wanted peace and quiet he had certainly found it.
It started to rain. Damn, I hadn’t brought an umbrella. I sat down on the little stone beach, closed my eyes and let the rain drops slowly soak into my clothes. It had been two years since I’d lost my close friend, and I never had managed to find any sense of closure. I sat in silence, listening to the water gently rolling into the pebbled beach, and the ferns lapping up the rain. They were flourishing. At least they appreciated the wet British summer we were having.
I shuffled to sit on my hands, feeling a chill. What had I hoped to gain by coming here? The chance to say goodbye, maybe. I hadn’t been able to make his funeral, and we had so few friends in common. There was no one I could talk to about the hole in my life that had one day appeared and couldn’t explain itself away. I wondered if he knew that I was here. If he could see me. I should probably cry. That would be the right thing to do. I reeled my mind back over the memories of a lifetime, trying desperately to connect to that sense of pain. To ignite the tears. But actually all I saw was Harry laughing at me. Telling me to pull myself together, that he won’t be gone long!
I felt myself relax, and caught myself by surprise as words started coming out of my mouth. Feeling like a spectator I listened to myself tell him everything about what I’d been doing the last few years. I told him that he’d be proud of me – I’d been off exploring the world, working for the circus, bravely defying the 9-5. I laughed. I threw in that I would probably never sky dive.
It took me to say it to know what he would have replied to that if he could. He would have told me that he regrets nothing. That he wouldn’t take back any of it. That sky diving was his passion. That every day of his life he had lived chasing his dreams. And that if we don’t make life choices that have risks, we don’t live at all.
I knew, right then. Every ounce of me knew. I had a responsibility to Harry to continue his legacy on his behalf. To be brave, to be fearless, and to live without hesitation. To live each day like it could be the last, because for him – it was. I swore an oath to myself, took a deep breath, and said goodbye. I left feeling peaceful, because I knew that I had found what I had come for – redemption, forgiveness, and the greatest gift of all – an untouchable gratitude for life.
